It took me a while to decide if I wanted to come back to blog or not. Life has been chaotic. I’ve been trying to find myself these last few months. I’m entering into a new chapter in my book of life. I graduated from grad school with my masters and was looking aggressively for a job. And after finding “temporary” job, I went through an identity crisis (or at least I may still be). I forgot almost what it was like to be happy and strive for something you are worth. As a result, I’m trying to take each day slow and focus on myself.
Which brings me back to this blog.
I contemplated quite a bit on sharing my story, recipes, regimen, lifestyle, etc.
A lot of people have been coming to me more than normal asking for help with their diet. And I’ve been struggling to give proper advice because let’s face it … I’m no nutritionalist, trainer, or info mercial on the latest exercise machines. I’m human.
My other main reason for not addressing or giving advice to people is that I think people don’t take themselves or their health seriously. I have issues with people referring to my lifestyle as a “diet” fad. “What’s your diet?” My other biggest peeve is when people get me to preach and then the next day their eating their lives away in front of a television or ordering that double big mac at the drive thru.
But before I really begin this blog … I should share my story of why I practice life the way I do before I begin full on fledge topics about various eating habits, exercise, etc. It may be important to open some doors and illustrate a path to get people to understand where I came from.
Flashback to my childhood.
I don’t share this with many people. Actually, I’ve only shared it with five (just with my boyfriend the other day). It’s a haunting past and I try not to talk so much about it because I’m still sort of bitter now that I’m older. People always say the past shapes you for who you are today and boy that may be true!
Anyways, I suffered from anorexia growing up. Some people may consider it a mild case, but either way if you’re starving your body more than days at a time by choice … you’re pretty much anorexic. I used to hide my food in my backpack growing up because I didn’t want to eat it. I would come home with my lunch pail empty, but my backpack stuffed with leftovers from the day before. I just didn’t want to eat. I think a lot of it had to do with childhood obesity and being bullied in school. I felt like others kids were judging me and by the way I was treated in elementary school … I’m almost positive it had something to do with it. Growing up I thought starving was a way to look like super models and eliminate fat.
I had self image issues. I never really did fit in with the kids at school. I thought maybe if I was skinnier the kids would accept me. In elementary school I didn’t know any better. My parents were also working two jobs to support me, so they weren’t paying attention to what went in my mouth or the lack of. At one point school counselors had to step in because I had formulated so many eating issues to pardon with. As a result, my parents started to take initiative and force feed me (not like that). They just made sure I was eating and if I did… that was a good thing. But once you start, you can’t stop. So I ate away. This is not really a surprise. When your body starves for long periods and you finally eat … it gains quickly. Your body goes into shock thinking it’s never going to eat so might as well take it all in now while its coming.
In high school I belonged to groups of various friends, but still suffered body image issues. At 4″11 when you gain weight -everything shows. And of course the other issues of fitting in, acne, and being morbidly obese with your stomach hanging adds to it too.
My first year in college my mom was diagnosed with diabetes. At first we thought it was cancer, but as small and skinny as my mom is – I realized it could happen to anyone. I went through a stage of trauma. I was scared that my past would affect me as I got older. And just like that over night I hired a trainer and got to work. And like anyone who has done the dieting and exercise, it’s not easy. Miracles don’t happen over night and true dedication is always required if you want to see results. And my journey was up and down as the years went on.
I also had multiple boyfriends at one point -tell me I needed to lose weight. I felt really ashamed and lost. I was angry and bitter. I just didn’t understand how someone I gave my time to could tell me that?
It took me 5 years and almost 7 trainers later to get to where I am today. I gave up a lot of things to make myself feel and look good. First it was giving up strict dietary needs. No dairy, no added sugar, no sweets, etc etc. 5 years later … it was more about myself than losing weight.
Today I practice and live a STRICT eating regimen. I dare not share it because it may be extreme for some people. This is by choice and out of habit. I choose to live this way because for me – I eat to live. I don’t live to eat.
I exercise to feel empowered, be healthy, and gain satisfaction. I eat to fuel my body not because it tastes good or amazing. I run as an outlet of therapy. And I lift so not only can I keep up with the big boys, but to say I any girl can lift with boys if they wanted too.
People always tell me I’m crazy for all the workouts I do and the way I eat. Honestly, I tell them you’re crazy for feeding and killing your body with the lack of no exercise and nutrients. The world is filled with diseases that happen early. Why risk yourself in that statistic?
At 4″11 -116 pounds – I may be small, but my body thanks me for treating it like a temple.
I’m happy now. That is what is really important. I feel amazing everyday.
Perhaps its crossfit. Perhaps its the organic food. Perhaps its my boyfriend who practices the same eating habits I do.
Whatever it is … I’m in a good place now. Free from abuse and dietary restrictions.
Safe in my skin.